A famous African proverb reads, “If you want to go fast, go alone; if you want to go far, go together.”

As we seek to begin 2020 with 20/20, I feel like we as teachers, parents, and educators owe an apology to many of our students because we have done you a disservice in our representation of what it means to be an adult. With sayings like “Pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” and “Make something out of yourself,” we have created a culture that has led many to believe that being an adult means that you have to make it out there on your own. Nothing could be further from the truth.

As you rapidly head towards adulthood, your success will depend largely on learning the difference between independence and isolation. One will push you forward into maturation and the other will only lead to regression. As many move through high school and college, they start to isolate themselves so that they can prove to those watching that they can do it without assistance. They won’t go for extra help or meet with professors during office hours because they’ve left that baby stuff behind. They don’t ask before buying their first car or consult before making major life decisions. And all that because they believe that being an adult means that you can finally silence all the voices in the gallery and make your own decisions.

Through social media, the internet, and the pace of today’s world, we are surrounded by people more than ever before in human history, yet many are lonelier than we have ever been. We are drowning in attention while starving for actual compassion and empathy. I’ve had three former students asked to leave school in recent months and more who have taken time off on their own to recover from mental duress. Panic about test scores and college applications is constantly rising. But what bothers me most is that we often discover in the aftermath that people chose to suffer in silence because they were left with the faulty assumption that a cry for help is a weakness that their supporters won’t sustain.

What I wish for each of you is independence. Isolation means that you attempt to take the journey alone, but independence means that you take charge of your own destiny. Independent people have a team, but they know how to position their supporters as resources that allow them to make the best decision in each case. Ask your advisor which classes are best to take next semester. Talk to your friends before launching into another painful relationship. Question your teacher to find better ways to prepare for the upcoming exam. You may even find that your parents are wiser than you ever gave them credit for if you would just give them a chance. And then, once you’ve asked all the right questions of those who know and love you best, then you take charge of your own fate and make the decisions.

Independence will allow you to collaborate without co-depending. You will be able to hear the opinions of others while still maintaining an opinion of your own. And instead of being among the countless masses that suffer endlessly from the paralysis of analysis, you’ll start to make your life happen instead of letting life happen to you.

And please never, ever forget that as long as there is a phone, email, postal service, smoke signals, or any other reliable form of communication, you never have to go it alone. I created CollegeThoughts so that students would always have the support that they need during the difficult days of high school and college. And if you indeed want to go far, I’m proud and honored when you decide to allow me to be a part of your winning team.

Let’s make this new decade the best one yet. Together.